the dark cloud

I always say everything happens for a reason but I'll never understand why some things happen. Mental illness is one of them. Why do people have to suffer from having a dysfunction in their brain that controls their life and can ruin it. And why is this so common.

I've dealt with it myself, for years. It's like there's a dark cloud in your head, it controls your emotions, your actions and sometimes you are helpless because all of your logic and clarity is gone. 

Since my worst episodes a couple of years ago, I've now seen 3 of my closest friends go through the exact same thing I did. It breaks my heart. Each time I think I'm going to loose someone I get the same sinking feeling. My heart and stomach drop. To know that they are feeling so helpless and vulnerable. To know that they are in so much pain. My world would never be the same without them. Innocent, beautiful people feel this way everyday, and it's scary how severe it can become. I wish mental illness never exsisted and I'll never understand the reason for such a horrible thing. 

I love you so much sweetheart:( 

Looking at life in third person

"have you ever been heated up over something, stressed, frustrated and confused. You never seem to realise that these emotions always get depleted on another person without realising? Something we ourselves never see until hours, days even weeks or years later. I try to look at these aspects of life in a different environment or angle; when I am taking my anger out on someone over something so minuscule I try to look at the situation as a bystander putting all feelings and emotions aside and looking at key elements I make a rational decision. Is the person copping my rage really deserving of it or am I just lashing out as a problem occurs to me and I want to Palm it off onto someone else. I guarantee it is usually your concern, so next time you find yourself angry with someone in your firing line, take a look at yourself" 

Written by my amazing, inspirational fave guy who wanted to add to my blog ☺️❤️ 

Broken

Ever have those times where it feels like every heart break you've ever experienced hits you all at once. Your heart sinks, your breathing is heavy, and the blood rushes to your head, as you try to hold back the tears you realise your broken. Not just bent, but broken and the only things that can fix you are completely unrealistic and unattainable. You wish something particularly horrible happened so there is a comprehensive excuse for being in this state, but there's not, life is just a mess. So you lay there, feeling sorry for yourself, knowing there's nothing you can do but wait it out, until the pain subsides. 

To the worriers,

Including myself and some of the most beautiful people I know... We worry. It's human nature to be anxious. About money, about our purpose in life, about being loved and finding "the one", etc.
When we worry, it means we are living in the future, which is sad cause we never get to fully embrace ourselves in the opportunities we are currently experiencing. For example we may be too worried about finding our future husband or wife or full time career, and we forget to embrace being independent and single; doing things for ourselves, by ourselves! We should be embracing the freedom while it lasts.
A lot has happened in the past 5 years and a lot will happen in the next 5. Although each day it feels like nothing is changing... Think back to 6 months, or even a year ago and notice the differences in your life.
We need to have faith that in time, everything will fall into place. In knowing this, worrying is a waste of time because it will not change the outcome of our future. So we may aswell relax and let things happen. The best things will happen when we least expect it. We least expect things when we learn to appreciate the present moment as we forget to dwell on 'what's going to happen next'. If we truly appreciate each moment we are blessed with, we will have a fulfilled life. 

- dedicated to a girl who doesn't realise how beautiful and special she is. stay strong, love you.  

thoughts

There's nothing better than a classy girl with a deep mind and a good heart. A girl that knows when to be proper and when to show off her bad side and free spirit. A girl who takes risks. A girl who loves to laugh, loves to be in love, wears her heart on her sleeve and cries too much. A girl with a broken past and bright future. A girl full of life and adventure. A girl that cares too much, about everyone. A girl who speaks her mind. She has faith and innocence, yet is wild with a colourful soul. There's nothing better then a dreamer, who wants to make her dreams a reality.

The power of music

Turn out the lights, close your eyes, put on your headphones and listen... There's something magical about what happens. The sounds of your favourite songs drown out your thoughts as you concentrate on the lyrics. Breath. Deeply.  Trust me...It can be just as magical as the thrill you get from being at a live show. Appreciate the gift of hearing and appreciate this time you have with yourself. Feel your emotions. If you're sad let music be your medicine. If you're happy, let you're soul dance. And if you feel nothing, good... Just let yourself be. 

true love

true love is exposing your naked soul to another person. revealing all that is in your mind and showing them your heart. intertwining your soul with theirs, you let them into your head without fear and they soak in everything that is, was and ever will be, you. and they just get it, they get you.

lying naked with messy sheets, messy hair and messy hearts, talking about the universe and anything else that comes to mind. 

showing someone every facet of yourself. the hysterical tears, the singing, the insecurities, the dreams, the vomiting on the bathroom floor. but they fall even more in love with you.

as time passes it only gets stronger. they still make you giggle and smile like a little girl and they still bring you excitement. the spark never fades. 

thats true love, the most beautiful feeling to be experienced. the ultimate goal.

iphone notes 10/1/15

little life lessons

My eyes were opened a little wider today while I was hanging out with a friend. We were sitting on a swing set having a good chat when they mentioned that being asked how their day was ment alot to them. This was because no one ever asked them... Not their friends, or their family. They found that only one or two people in their life asked these questions and genuinely cared about the answer. Most people only care about what they are gaining from the friendship.
It was sad to hear this from such a happy person, someone who cares for everyone and has such a good heart. It's true that these are the people who are taken for granted. The people who care for everyone often get forgotten about, but in reality they also need (and deserve) the same treatment. If more people genuinely cared for each other in a selfless manner, the world would be a better place. I guarantee it would be the cure for so many depression cases.
Something as simple as saying "hey, how was your day?" and taking interest in others can mean alot more to someone then you think.

meet me;

I'm sitting in a dark room, uncomfortably positioned, trying to figure out how to describe myself. Its harder than i thought. Thats because i'm still trying to find myself. I have so many unanswered questions in which only time and perseverance will provide me with answers. Questions involving, why i'm up past 1am every single night, so tired, with an abnormal urge to stay awake. And why has everything worked out the way it did. My point is that I cant just describe myself in a nutshell, i'm not that simple. I'm an ogre, or an onion more like it!! because i have so many layers (please tell me you got the Shrek notion).